Today's Triumphs and Changes

If you've read along the past two days I have had a lot I have been dealing with. I finally said, out loud, that I am still struggling with PPD, I have given up my 3 cup a day coffee vice, and I put away my fishbowl sized wine glass in trade for a tea kettle and some honey.

Yes, today was my first day in oh I don't know, years perhaps, that I have gone without coffee in the morning. Well let me start off by saying, it was torture! I thought I was slowly dying inside this morning. I woke up in a slight panic knowing that I would not be going downstairs to meet my friend, Cuisinart, all perky and ready to serve me my hot cup of liquid gold.

Once our little family was all congregated in the kitchen, I quietly pleaded said to my husband "how about I just have one coffee and eliminate the wine this week. I can't possible eliminate both." And all I got was a stern "NO" and an eye roll. Clearly he wasn't able to keep up with my mile-a-minute mouth after my three pots cups o' joe in the morning. This is sweet relief for him.

Well the upside to only drinking water and tea throughout the day oh wait there is none is that I am very hydrated! Yup, my pee is clear as caribbean water! Joy!

In between my coffee cravings and my constant bathroom breaks, my baby boy went through some major triumphs himself. He finally went to sleep on his own! Now for those of you who don't know, we have been rocking him to sleep every night and for every nap. If in the process of putting him in his crib he wakes up or wakes from the middle of his sleep, we have to take him out and rock him again. Sometimes these rocking sessions would last for over an hour. Or like the other night, three hours! It was pure insanity. And you wonder why I drank so much coffee in the morning, and enjoyed my gallon o' wine.

Whelp, today for his nap he just couldn't get settled on me. I had no other choice but to set him in his crib. to my surprise it only took him few 'shushes' through the monitor for him to sleep. He slept for an astounding 2.5 hours! I knew I was on to something, so for bed time, instead of my husband feeding him up in the nursery then having him sleep on his chest for an hour (which he desperately missed tonight) I fed him downstairs. Once those delicious 7oz of formula were gone, I brought him upstairs and placed him in his crib. I did get a few tears from him, but I didn't even make it down the stairs before he had stopped. Then I shushed him twice and he has been asleep ever since!

Seriously child!? It's been this easy all along?? But then I thought about it and said to my husband "you know, yesterday may have possibly been the last day I will ever rock him again" Yup, tears. It just made my heart sink. He's growing so fast, and we love all the changes, but when you do something for the last time, at that moment you never realize it, so you don't have a chance to treasure it. So perhaps I will rock him tomorrow, just so I can treasure the moment.

Well now my baby is asleep, this would have been my prime wine gulping sipping time, but no I just finished yet another pot of tea. The wine hasn't been an issue like the coffee was. And god knows my husband is happy because he hated washing those "damn wine glasses".

Now that my bladder is full, I have absolutely no caffeine running through my veins, I will now curl up and watch some Bates Motel.

A New Day: Detox

I woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach after outing myself in my post last night about the troubles I've had with PPD. I quickly got over it though once I poured myself my third cup of coffee. At the moment, that liquid gold took all my worries away. It gave me a nice jolt to start my day, calmed my nerves, and filled my stomach. But what did it do it my mind? It made it go crazy. By the time 10 o'clock in the morning rolls around I'm thinking a million thoughts a minute and spouting off about 50k words a second. Sensory overload for anyone within ear shot.

So it occurred to me today, since I haven' been listening to my husband over the past few weeks, that perhaps I am drinking too much of that perky juice. Maybe I need to tone it down. Would that help ease my PPD? Well it might. But I can't just tone it down from three cups to one. Because if I have one I will have three. It has to be eliminated. And that doesn't mean that I will just let my trusty friend Cuisinsart sit on my countertop cold and asleep. No, I have to unplug and lug it to the pantry. I can't stand to see it's lifeless stainless steel body sit there begging to be turned on.

Then it got me thinking, what else am I relying on for comfort that I can let go of? Well clearly my first thought was wine. But there's no way I am going to give that up. That is the only adult thing I get to do after baby-wrangling all day. I love to sit down in my leather recliner, computer on the arm rest, tv turned into something trashy (a good dose of the womanizing Juan Pablo was a favorite), and a big ol' glass of red. I pushed that horrid thought right out of my head. I could never, would never, should never give up my fruity dessert.

Well, about 30 seconds later I plugged the bottle, sucked the air out and laid it to rest in the pantry next to my morning vice. I said my goodbyes and shut the door. My kitchen counters are now bare.

I made a vow to myself, I will give up both vices for 7 days. After 7 days I will evaluate how I am feeling. All jokes aside, perhaps eliminating all the caffeine and alcohol will ease my PPD. I have been told that when you eliminate things out of your diet, not to do it all at once. It's not realistic and within a day, if not by the end of the first day, you'll be adding it all back in. So this is my first go-around. Next will be refined sugar. But I'll wait until I get back from West Palm Beach to tackle that one.

You may be wondering what I will have in place of my three cups o' joe and my fish bowl size of wine: tea. I have already made my first pot of tea, and I'll be going back for more. I need to detox this body, and green tea is a start.

On a side note, it's good to be back in the bloggersphere! I have missed it, and have really appreciated all the support I have received through comments and e-mails!

Update: Where the heck have I been?

I'm not sure where to start. I was blogging every single day then I just ... wasn't. I had some great recipes going, some funny baby stories, and great Weight Watchers memes. What the heck happened to me, where did I go?

I ask myself that every single day. Each day I grab my computer and I look at the favorites bar in Safari and see BlogSpot just staring at me saying "click me! click me!" but I couldn't. I had nothing to say and I figured even if I did... no one would care.

That's where it all starts... no one would care...

Over the summer I had written a post about how I suffered greatly from postpartum depression, but once I wrote the post I moved on, never talked about it again. What I didn't mention was how it still plagues me to this day, along with anxiety.

It wasn't until about a month ago that I really started to feel it's claws dig into me again. I had that dark cloud that I thought was gone, settle right in for the long haul. For the past month, even a little longer, I have been feeling so hopeless. Feeling so out of touch with myself, reality, and society. Sure some may say that I isolate myself, but if you suffer from PPD you get that you don't do it intentionally. I wish I could explain how I feel. So many people ask me the same thing over and over:

What's wrong?

What's your problem?

Are you okay?

Can I help you?

Each time those seemingly harmless questions get asked, I sink more inside myself. I feel so ashamed that I can't control how sad I am. I don't think they will ever get it. If I even crack a smile I get the "see you're better!" crap. And it's just that, crap! Though I may not always have a frown, I'm collapsing on the inside. 

It took a long to come out and post this. If it hadn't been for my fellow blogger friend, Lindsay, I don't think I would have. She came to check on me because she knew that it wasn't like my cyber personality, not to post for so long. 

As for now, I'm dealing with it one day at a time. My husband and my mother are great support systems for me and understand what I am going through on a daily basis. My husband, baby, and I have even planned a trip to West Palm Beach next week. Perhaps some sunshine will do me good.

To be honest, it's been hard to hold my head above water lately. One thing that has kept me going is my photography. It's such a release and the calming agent that I need. I look forward to getting back into the blogging world, though it may be slow, it will be good for me to write. 

I will leave you with this quote since I can't find the words to write any more and it describes what I am feeling in a way I never could.