Update: Where the heck have I been?


I'm not sure where to start. I was blogging every single day then I just ... wasn't. I had some great recipes going, some funny baby stories, and great Weight Watchers memes. What the heck happened to me, where did I go?

I ask myself that every single day. Each day I grab my computer and I look at the favorites bar in Safari and see BlogSpot just staring at me saying "click me! click me!" but I couldn't. I had nothing to say and I figured even if I did... no one would care.

That's where it all starts... no one would care...

Over the summer I had written a post about how I suffered greatly from postpartum depression, but once I wrote the post I moved on, never talked about it again. What I didn't mention was how it still plagues me to this day, along with anxiety.

It wasn't until about a month ago that I really started to feel it's claws dig into me again. I had that dark cloud that I thought was gone, settle right in for the long haul. For the past month, even a little longer, I have been feeling so hopeless. Feeling so out of touch with myself, reality, and society. Sure some may say that I isolate myself, but if you suffer from PPD you get that you don't do it intentionally. I wish I could explain how I feel. So many people ask me the same thing over and over:

What's wrong?
What's your problem?
Are you okay?
Can I help you?

Each time those seemingly harmless questions get asked, I sink more inside myself. I feel so ashamed that I can't control how sad I am. I don't think they will ever get it. If I even crack a smile I get the "see you're better!" crap. And it's just that, crap! Though I may not always have a frown, I'm collapsing on the inside. 

It took a long to come out and post this. If it hadn't been for my fellow blogger friend, Lindsay, I don't think I would have. She came to check on me because she knew that it wasn't like my cyber personality, not to post for so long. 

As for now, I'm dealing with it one day at a time. My husband and my mother are great support systems for me and understand what I am going through on a daily basis. My husband, baby, and I have even planned a trip to West Palm Beach next week. Perhaps some sunshine will do me good.

To be honest, it's been hard to hold my head above water lately. One thing that has kept me going is my photography. It's such a release and the calming agent that I need. I look forward to getting back into the blogging world, though it may be slow, it will be good for me to write. 

I will leave you with this quote since I can't find the words to write any more and it describes what I am feeling in a way I never could.


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9 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. What a powerful blog post! You are very courageous for writing it.
    I hope you have a great time on your trip and that you continue to gain strength from the awesome support system you have in place. Remember - Try to take each day one moment at a time. (It's easier for me sometimes to tackle moments than whole days.) I will be praying for you!

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  3. I'm so proud of you for posting this. So much courage. No one who doesn't suffer from anxiety or depression will ever fully "get it". I'm so happy for you that you have. Supportive husband and mother. A support system is one of the key foundations to positive mental health. So glad to hear you will be easing back into blogging. (I started following just before your hiatus) look forward to hearing more! -lots of hugs.

    Plumtickledpink.blogspot.com

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  4. You have no idea how true this rings to me. I commend your courage to post about your struggles. Sending you all the support I can manage through the internet ;)

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  5. Lots of love to you! My son is 13 months old and I still have difficult days. It's getting better though!

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  6. I am hoping things get better for you! Maybe not tomorrow, but soon. <3
    I hope you start blogging again, I can't wait to read along. :)

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  7. proud of you!!! thinking of you and following along :)
    xoxo

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